this is going to be a long long post.
don't read it if you're here to be entertained or anysort.
cos it might be boring for you,
but it's definitely very impt for me.
and don't comment too much, rubbish.
it's saturday, 27 january,
and i haven't even sleep yet,
i couldn't sleep
and a call, left me
feeling even more hurt than i was before.
it's nobody's fault but mine.
i'm being hated,
my heart really hurts,
it's the feeling as if a hand
is wrapped tightly over my heart,
squeezing it. not letting me breathe properly.
probably some of you have experienced this before?
that who did not will prolly think i'm being drama.
okay. whatever.
cos he said i made this brkup a big hoo-ha.
did i really?
prolly cos those things were written,
when i was really pissed.
i think i really am a hell to have for a gf,
(especially if bf is someone who's somewhat famous)
and now after i'm not angry anymore,
i'm going to blog about things
that really comes from my heart.
things that i really wanna tell him,
without any regret.
i'm really scared when i saw the increasing
no. of people flocking into my blog,
i'm scared when i got to know,
people from everywhere
actually discussing about our brk-up.
i've nvr expected this to happen,
just from an angry angry blog entry,
i don't like the attention either.
i thought i'll just be treated like a madwoman
with a broken heart, bullshitting.
although, i'm not blabbering rubbish.
Deep inside me,
definitely i would want my ex bf,
to remember the best of me,
of what he used to love me for,
of our fond memories,
just not hate me.
someone who is my first,
closest human to me for the past 2years.
hating me? it's almost unbearable..
memories like
the feeling of having me in those warm arms.
laughing together over silly things like,
"YOU MAGGOT! FO MAGGOT!"
and failing to blow the plastic balloon up.
the sweetest things i've/he've/we've done.
sweet little things that we've done quietly,
not letting each other know,
that probably will make the other half happier.
although it might had gone unnoticed by my other half,
mistaken, that i do not support him/do childish things
and spoilt things for him.
things like that coming from the mouth of
someone i still have feelings for.
it broke my heart more than all the uncertainties.
i've been proud of him, just quietly.
smiling as i look at him performing on the stage.
there's the only place where he shines like that.
i've always thought of that,
but i have never tell him that.
but i'm not regretting just yet,
cos i'm saying all my feelings out loud now!
we've always been a loving couple,
and i'm more than happy to be with the one i love,
to make shepherd's pie for him,
(i know it sounds so random, but ..)
i remember us saying that
i wanna be a sweet laopuo who awaits
for her loving husband to come home
to be cuddled by him,
going to a snowy country together,
just bcos i have not seen snow,
and he wants to bring me.
planning abt the kind of house we wanna live in,
the type of furnishing we would love,
he'll love the sleeky, black leather.
while i love the cottage/country style,
we said that we'll retire to aust/NZ
when we're both old,
and i can have my favourite
cottage country style furnishing.
the dogs we wanna have together.
those sweet,wet kisses on my cheeks.
those walks to visit the doggies,
your arm hung relaxed over my shoulder,
my face would light up when i see my favourite collie.
and having the nicest &sweetest
tasting spaghetti served to me,
just when i'm complaining that i don't feel loved enough.
probably, our best memories.
yet to me not a bit silly at all.
i'll nvr be able to list out everything
you made me smile about,
before fame stepped into his life.
and changed everything,
our love changed,
his life changed,
my life changed,
he changed,
i changed.
from the soft, dreamy girl.
who didn't know how scary and tough this world can be.
to yet still the soft, dreamy girl,
who finally see abit of the real world.
but still feel that this is a beautiful world, although flawed.
it's just fame.
that caused everything to change.
probably, we weren't meant to be from the start.
objections, 3rd parties, uncertainties.
people, please stop scolding him.
it really doesn't make me feel any better.
he didn't want his love for me to change either,
i believe it did not feel good for him too.
he tried, but failed.
he had his share of feeling like a bastard.
a hurting monster to me.
he's having his punishment too,
no more favourite yummy aussie chicken,
sugared heartshaped pretzel biscuit.
all by me!
and i wouldn't want a guy i've loved with all my love,
and only to be loved back half-heartedly. Right?
i want someone, who really wanna make me smile
and touch me from his heart.
and not just trying.
but wholeheartedly. (:
no matter how tough i act,
how hurt i am.
how much i say i hate him before,
i don't.
these great memories will always be the ones,
that will remind me of him.
i wanna end this r/s willingly,
hopefully, not full of hatred.
of cos i don't want him to get over me
so quickly and be with a girl now.
i'll be so upset ):
even when we both are on the same street someday.
although we're not hugging each other,
but we can pass each other with a smile &hello.
although i'm typing this with tears in my eyes,
someday, we will. someday.
idon't want 2 years of r/s to just disappear!
it'll be such a shame,
he's the only one who knows me that well.
it'll probably be another dream of mine,
but yeah, i believe,
he will not hate me as he says he does!
cos i think, ultimately the things he'll rmb of me
is how loveable, sweet, guai, cute, angelic i am!
not in just anyone's eyes,
but his, just like how he use to
look into my eyes and say (:
although i cried alot,
but there's always gonna be an ending to a story.
and this is how i prefer to end it.
and of cos, MY PEANUTBUTTER!
i've been neglecting them for days,
in the sense that, i did not let them
out of their cage to roam around.
NOT TORTURING THEM AND NOT
GIVING THEM FOOD OF COURSE!
and again!
all this not because i want him back or anything.
nope.
because i don't want regrets.
so it's just like, a closure for me.
but i just can't get them out in words.
so, i had to blog it out!
it's time for..
a guy who, loves me wholeheartedly. (:
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